Radio personality, Alec Smart: Welcome, listeners, to another session of “Ask the Smart Guy,” I am Alec Smart, and I can say without a trace of humility that I’m a genius. Call in, and I will solve your problems, large or small. I’m here to help. Now, let’s hear from our first caller.

Caller: My name is Veronica. This morning, my husband said he’s in love with my friend Betty, and he wants a divorce. What should I do, Mr. Smart?

Smart: Do you know where Betty lives?

Veronica: Yes; my husband says he plans to move into her apartment tonight.

Smart: Get a baseball bat, and go to Betty’s apartment. Confront her and your husband. Give them both a sound rap on the knees. Don’t worry about breaking bones. They will mend. Tell your husband to go home and do the dishes. Tell Betty to pack up and move out of town. Tell her that the next time you see her you’ll be carrying a shotgun, instead of a baseball bat.

Veronica: Let me get this straight. You’re saying I should commit violence and threaten homicide. Those are criminal acts!

Smart: I’m here to solve problems, not pass moral judgments. Next caller!

Caller: My name is Skippy. My teacher assigned us a division problem for homework. I’m supposed to divide fifteen by four. To do that, I got a pack of cards, counted out fifteen of them, and tried to divide the fifteen into four piles. No matter what I did, I could never get them to come out even. What do you advise, Mr. Smart?

Smart: Get a calculator.

Smart continues: Well, I see it’s time for a commercial break. Pay attention to what my sponsor says. You’ll love him as much as I do.

[After the commercial break.]

Smart: I’m back and ready to solve your problems, large or small. Next caller!

Caller: They call me Ishmael, and I serve on a U.S. Navy destroyer. My captain takes us all over the ocean, making me seasick. He says he’s hunting a white submarine, but I think he’s nuts, obsessive. What should I do, Mr. Smart?

Smart: Wait for a dark night and shove your captain overboard.

Ishmael: Okay, but how do I avoid being hanged for mutiny?

Smart: Sorry Ishmael, my contract only lets me solve one problem per phone call. Next caller!

Caller: My name is Perky. I’m calling because I have a snake in my cupboard.

Smart: What kind of snake?

Perky: I don’t know.

Smart: Does the snake rattle?

Perky: No, he just stays coiled around my sugar canister, and threatens me if I try to get sugar. I tell you, Mr. Smart, my family is getting pretty irritated at me for using honey and molasses instead of sugar.

Smart: In what way does the snake threaten you, Perky?

Perky: He hisses and sticks his tongue out at me.

Smart: How rude. … Regardless, maybe the snake doesn’t know he’s not supposed to hug a canister of sugar. Have you tried reasoning with him?

Perky: Yes, but he ignores me, just stares at me with those scary eyes.

Smart: You know, of course, that snakes should hang from tree branches. Being city-bred, perhaps he doesn’t know that. If you showed him a picture of a snake hanging from a tree limb, that might give him the right idea.

Perky: I tried that, Mr. Smart … showed him a dandy drawing of a snake tempting Eve in the Garden of Eden. He still wouldn’t move. What should I do, Mr. Smart?

Smart: Snake eyes are pretty poor. He probably couldn’t see your drawing very well. Anyway, to solve your problem, put the snake on a leash and walk him to the zoo. There, he can learn how snakes are supposed to behave.

Smart continues: My director is making slashing motions across his throat. He must be choking. I’ll get off the air immediately and go help him. Tune in again next week for another session of “Ask the Smart Guy.”

DEDICATION: I’m dedicating this story to the memory of America’s great humorist, James G. Thurber. His publication, The Owl in the Attic, served as inspiration, and I highly recommend Thurber’s other works, the best known of which, perhaps, is The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.