The Truth about English Language Words

Another glance into the peculiarities of our language -- from Billy K. Baker Where did the words in the English language come from? Linguists and etymologists cite a hypothetical Proto-Indo-European language lightly sprinkled with Semitic tongues and laced with elderly Norse, French, Latin, Greek, and Brooklynese. What nonsense! The English lexicon was first created by a wordsmith named Thistlebottom—a demigod—at the behest of his henchman, Flizzleface. Here’s the true story … One day Flizzleface beseeched his master, “Master, I’ve got a bunch of Yahoos on Earth clamoring loudly for the English language. Will you create its words for me?” (We gloss over any question of just how the Yahoos are clamoring; after all, there’s no point in rushing headlong into yet another chicken-and-egg controversy, although we all know the egg came first.) “I’ll be glad to help you, Flizz; that’s what I’m here for. Now, how should we proceed? … Hmmm, I know! You give me a description or definition of something, and I will supply an English word for it. Okay?” “Sure, Master. For instance, what name would you give for that funny African animal with a long snout and a long sticky tongue?” “Aardvark. Next?” “How about the musical instrument with a series of bars of increasing length that you tap on with wooden hammers?” “Xylophone,” answered Thistlebottom. “And give me a name for the first day of the calendar week.” “Sunday.” And so it went, word after word, thousands and thousands and thousands of them, enough to write most of the Oxford English Dictionary. Toward the end, Thistlebottom, who was, after all, only a demigod, grew tired and a bit cranky; so the dialogue concluded as follows: “To set up a tent?” “Pitch.” “The angle a propeller blade makes with respect to air or water flow?” “Pitch.” “To throw something, such as a ball or a coin?” “Pitch.” “Gooey, black materials like asphalt?” “Pitch.” “The sound frequency of a musical note?” “Pitch.” “To fall headlong on your face?” “Pitch.” “The resin of pine trees?” “Pitch.” “When the nose of an airplane or the bow of a boat bobs up and down?” “Pitch!” “The slant of a slope?” “Pitch!!” “A salesman’s spiel?” “Pitch!!!” “A soccer field?” “The pitch, you idiot!!!! And from now on, tell those Yahoos on Earth to make up their own damn words! … I quit!!!” Billy K. Baker writes from Fernley, Nevada and enjoys stringing good words together.        Never miss a meeting or community event – keep an eye on the community calendar at https://www.thefallonpost.org/events/ If you like what we’re doing, please support our effort to provide local, independent news and contribute to The Fallon Post, your online news source for all things Fallon.