Old-Timers Had It Easy

by Billy K. Baker -- Lots of people take it for granted that mountain men, pioneers, settlers, cowboys, and such folks led a hard life. I’m here to tell you that is romantic fiction. Take the Donner Party, for instance. Sure they ran into a bit of snow. But they didn’t have their ears pop as they drove I-80 over Donner Pass. Speaking of freeways like I-80, I bet no stagecoach driver ever missed an off-ramp. And I won’t even mention bumper-to-bumper traffic. (Oops!) Travelers in the good old days never had to arrive an hour ahead of time, empty their pockets into bins, and take off their shoes … all for the privilege of waiting another hour to board. They never waited long to claim luggage either, let alone had to chase it around and around on a carousel like a wayward child, and I wonder if any old-time traveler ever filled out a lost-baggage claim. Even pedestrians had it easy. If they wanted to visit a shop across the street, they looked both ways and crossed over. None of this nonsense of walking halfway up a block, waiting at a corner to get permission to cross (from a light!), and walking halfway back down the other side. Before continuing, let me present my credentials. You see, I spent many hours as a young boy watching movies, mostly Westerns; so I’m well-qualified, indeed an expert on the old West. Storekeepers were nicer in olden days. According to Western movies, the man behind the counter would say, “I’ll put that on your tab.” Can you imagine a Wal-Mart clerk doing that? And no pioneer woman bothered to check labels for “gluten-free” or “low sodium,” let alone the dreaded “No sugar added.” Speaking of labels, when a settler bought a patent medicine, the label told what it would cure or improve or remove—not what side effects to worry about. And no television commercials gave an unending list of such side effects (“may cause rash, swelling, nausea … and call your doctor if a finger falls off”). Also, old-timers didn’t have to explain to their children TV commercials mentioning diarrhea, constipation, incontinence, sexual enhancement, or a combination thereof. I can hear the conversation now: “Daddy, daddy, what exactly is a prostate?” “Shut up, and go play in the traffic.” Pioneers never had to endure a health check-up. Consequently, they were healthier than us. In many cases, they never went to a doctor. If needed, a doctor would come to them! (Talk about being pampered.) As for medical forms, the doctor didn’t bother with them. An old joke says it best: “Doctor, doctor; I’ve been shot!” “Calm down, and leave the diagnosis to me.” The whole field of medicine was simpler. A country doctor’s idea of cosmetic surgery was cutting off a leg. And paying a physician didn’t involve a round-robin exchange of insurance papers. If you had a bullet removed, you paid the surgeon immediately, maybe with a chicken. (I suppose two bullets cost two chickens.) If the lady of the house was having a baby, the doctor always asked someone to boil lots of water. Old-time doctors were big tea-drinkers. No pioneer lady ever had to tend a clogged garbage disposal just as dinner guests arrived. And, entertainment was simple, refined, in those days: strawberry punch, a stereopticon, a harpsichord, a sewing bee, a barn dance. For excitement, the men would hunt down and shoot cattle rustlers or hunt down and hang horse thieves. Nobody risked blindness watching sitcoms or risked carpal tunnel syndrome frantically working a video game. Before closing, let’s debunk the myth of hard-working cowboys. They spent all day sitting on their uh … horses while the animals did all the work. At days end, cowpokes would have a barbecue; you know … lots of steak. Then as night fell, they would gather around a campfire and sing songs. Based on Western films, the men were terrific at harmony. Contrast that life with office workers today, slaving over a hot keyboard so they can afford to visit a dude ranch, hoping to live like cowboys for two weeks. In other words, modern man considers “hard-working” cowboy life a vacation. Well, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my case. Old-timers merely had to deal with Indian uprisings, stagecoach robberies, cattle stampedes, rattlesnake bites, grizzly attacks, and such. What a bunch of wimps! Billy K. Baker writes from Fernley, Nevada. He prepared this column for our Heritage print edition, however, as my old-timer status nears my memory for details has scattered and I forgot to include it. --Editor       Never miss the local news -- read more on The Fallon Post home page. If you enjoy The Fallon Post, please support our effort to provide local, independent news and make a contribution today.  Your contribution makes possible this online news source for all things Fallon.