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Thursday, May 16, 2024 at 10:04 PM
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The Feral Housewife Horoscope

The Feral Housewife Horoscope

Capricorn (December 21st to January 19th) 
Thanks to mercury in retrograde you will find yourself with many answers to past questions – with any luck, you will find those Ray Ban sunglasses you lost in the yard. You will be the shining star of this first round in 2021, it is your year to burn bright. Brighter than the insanity surrounding you in this modern age. That small business idea you have been sitting on or the promotion you have been hoping for is yours for the taking. You have the backing of creativity and zest for whatever it is your heart desires. With the skills you already possess you will be able to bring all of your dreams to fruition. While others are busy judging, make sure that you give them something to really talk about – it’s much more fun that way. Regarding matters of the home, teamwork and appreciation will help to resolve the conflict.    

 

Aquarius (January 19th to February 18th) 
During this phase it would be very risky to express yourself (very risky from a law enforcement perspective), as you will find that you will be misunderstood and have no way to explain what you are hoping to communicate (especially to law enforcement). In 2021 motivation is the name of the game. You have everything you need at your fingertips – you are motivated to make this year different from the dumpster fire that was last year. Go out and make the best of this, but don’t forget to stop and smell the roses along the way. You don’t want to get so driven you forget to have fun. Take a step back during the beginning of the month; changes have you on edge but know that these changes are positive.  You will find yourself in a state of worry that seems to have no end in sight and you will have to take responsibility for your finances which is uncomfortable for you to do but you will flourish once this change is made.  

 

Pisces (February 18th to March 20th) 
You need to be alone with your thoughts but during this time of mercury in retrograde, you should not turn inward as you navigate the future. During 2021 you will be on a mission to let things go – including the dream of Kanya West for President, the election fiasco, and the devil named COVID. On a serious note, the old baggage that you have been carrying around is finally something you are able to lay to rest and begin healing. Once you are able to start the process and release the negativity you will swim in love that you didn’t think you would ever feel again. Life is like a river -- you never touch the same water twice. You will embrace this idea and flourish. You will have big plans for an extravagant outing that you need to reconsider; it is not in your best interest at this time. And it’s probably been cancelled anyway. Make the hard choices to put yourself first in your personal and professional life and you will gain great insight. 

 

Aries (March 20th to April19th) 
With Mercury in retrograde from January 30th to February 19th, (I know, it seems like it’s been in retrograde for almost a year now), beware of restlessness and moodiness during this time which could land you in the pokie if it causes you to stress-drink a bit too much. You will no longer be interested in maintaining relationships that do not hold the same ideology as you – so “just say no”. Surround yourself with like-minded thinkers. This is the year to step it up Aries, frustration and obstacles are headed your way if this year is anything like the last. But if you keep yourself centered and your mind open you will find that those around you can help guide you to your destinations.   

 

Taurus (April 19th to May 20th) 
Communication will be difficult during the Mercury retrograde at the end of the month, and the inability to express ideas freely will create conflicts in personal relationships and within the office. No, you cannot punch your boss or put frosting covered Brussel sprouts in your kids’ lunch box to annoy them. You will find that financial gains come easily during this time but be cautious not to overdo it. Get yourself into beast mode and brand yourself accordingly (brand as in promotion – not the other kind involving hot steel). You will want to take 2021 by the horns and bring the change you want to see into the world, starting with yourself. When you find yourself challenged don’t be surprised, you are learning how to adapt and grow. You are not always right and there is often more than one way to the solution, don’t get bull headed and forget to bend when new ideas are presented to you.   

 

Gemini (May 29th to June 21th) 
With Mercury in retrograde it is advisable to watch what you say and avoid stressful situations that require you make any decisions. Actually, it is always advisable to watch what you say. You will be struggling to achieve social growth and development during this time – and so is the free world, apparently. Don’t be tempted to do what they are doing and devolve. During 2021 you will find that nonsense has no place in your life, those who bring untruths and idle talk will not be welcome with you as you strive to secure your own ideas. Money and financial security are on the forefront of your mind, those close to you will be able to offer ideas that will bring you peace. Lock down your goals for 2021 and keep an open mind, especially when dealing with finances.   

 

Cancer (June 21st to July 22nd) 
As much as you would like to take the leap into big decisions, it is advisable that you do not. Your stubborn side has a boost as Mercury is in retrograde giving you a false illusion in your interactions. False illusions are absolutely – the worst. You will not gracefully be able to make these negotiations. 2021 will be the year of taking back your power. Do not be fooled into giving anything that does not empower you – including too much Facebook news and chocolate martinis and. Good fences make good neighbors. You will see growth in relation to employment and finances but you will see friction with your partner. But only if you fence them with your neighbor’s spouse. With some friendly communication you will be able to show your partner what you plan to do and reduce the friction. With hard lessons there is growth.   

 

Leo (July 22nd to August 22nd) 
Dear Leo, take a moment to just let go of the small stuff. With mercury in retrograde you will be wandering lost unable to navigate all that is before you. Yes, some that wander are lost. Just take a deep breath and leave the worries for another day, no matter what you do no solutions will come to you. For the start of 2021 you will need to put others first. Leo’s can be exceptionally self-serving and for this year to be one for the books, you will have to put the emotions of others before yourself even if this means giving up the spotlight. Spread your love around like glitter; make sure it can be found years later no matter how much you clean. Very much like the sparkly tule from beautifully wrapped Christmas presents which leaves glitter embedded in your carpet for ages. Your wanderlust will strike, but you will have to remember that personal responsibilities always come first to pave the way for your fanciful dreams. Watch what you say as misunderstandings are prevalent, a little negotiating will help clear this up for you.   

 

Virgo (August 22nd to September 22nd) 
As mercury is in retrograde you will find yourself feeling very misunderstood no matter what you do. This is especially troublesome for you in the office, of all places, leaving you with tense professional relationships and a black cloud in the work atmosphere. A good way to assuage these feelings is to watch Office Space. And if you are compelled to slack in order to get promoted, this is the year to do it. But do be aware that someone might steal your stapler. Starting 2021 with a solid routine will help guide you through the lingering turmoil of 2020. This year you will find a foundation that supports you living your best life, even if that means turning down invitations that you would normally accept. Keep in mind, there is a good chance they will be cancelled anyway. Keep yourself from the familiar burnout with healthy task management. As you grow you will find financial gains that you were not expecting, don’t pass the opportunity to learn.  

 

Libra (September 22nd to October 23rd) 
With mercury in retrograde the desire to change the way you communicate with loved ones is strong, but this should be avoided during this time. Please do not switch from texting to carrier pigeons or skywriting messages. 2021 is your year for love and meaningful relationships, don’t bother wasting precious resources. Take the year on with a clear idea of what you want and go out and get it. You will have exceptional amounts of drama headed your way (what? No way!), but hopefully you have learned that this is the time for self-love and nurturing. You will be able to navigate the drama well if you can stay true to yourself and stick to clear communication.

 

Scorpio (October 23rd to November 22nd) 
You will benefit from the desire to redesign your living or working space, as mercury is in retrograde you have luckily missed the tumultuous communication breakdowns that seem to be causing literal breakdowns. You will find inspiration – perhaps in mediation, in others, or in Japanese swordsmanship, circus arts, bagpiping, or even puppetry. 2021 will be the year of growth for you, and not in the ways you imagine. And hopefully not in your waistline. You will find yourself frustrated and confused by everyone turning to you for care. Take care of family first and the support you are giving will be returned to you 10-fold when you need it. You will be watering the gardens around you and helping to cultivate greatness; it won’t be in vain as you get showered in return. Your hard work will be recognized and shall pay off for you, do not be tricked into jumping into a new opportunity without weighing the risks and benefits. The only way to get what you want is to work hard for (it or to pay someone else a lot of money to get it for you.) 

 

Sagittarius (November 22nd to December 21st) 
Oh dear Sagittarius, you will be exceptionally moody and hard to handle, (that is so weird for a Sagittarius) thanks to mercury in retrograde. Expect that communication will breakdown and you will find yourself in a heightened state of agitation because of it. As if you are not normally in a heightened state of agitation. Brusqueness is what you are known for, the truth is told regardless of how it may hurt. In 2021 watch what you say. Yes Sagittarius, you CAN do it. You will learn to handle these discussions diplomatically with kindness and grace. You will be doing a lot of financial juggling; your desire for grand adventure will not match your financial ability but you will be able to pull it off. There will be news surrounding a loved one that will test the flexibility of your wallet. You will be doing a lot of adjusting, but the possibilities are endless.   

 

 


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